The Diary of Jane
by SulpiciaDoesntApprove
Summary: Jane of the Volturi gets a laptop for her birthday and starts a blog. Chaos and hillarity ensue. Jane is Jane. Enough said.
1. Jane's User Info

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**__** (Like you didn't already know.)**_

_**This is sillyness. But hey, it can't always be angsty, right?**_

My name is Jane. Last name? Don't think I ever had one. Just call me Jane. Or Jane Volturi. Or Jane the evil genius. Or… whatever you like, as long as I approve, of course. (Because I know where you live. And if I don't, I will find out.)

My age? (Why do I have to give my age?) Honestly, only stalkers want to know how old others are!

I live in Italy, more precisely in Tuscany, in a boring small town, that is too lame to be even mentioned here. There's really nothing going on here. I live with my master, Aro, his family and the rest of the guard. We're kind of the royal family of "boring-small-town-not-worth-being-mentioned".

What else is there to say about me? I have a twin brother, Alec, we get along quite well. We both work as a security guards, I guess that's what you could call it. It's not much of a job, unless someone goes completely nuts or is a drama king and wants to commit suicide. Then we have to step in.

I like: horror movies, public executions, voodoo dolls, hanging out with my brother, playing pranks on others, Iron Maiden and scrapbooks.

I hate (abhor, despise, loathe, …): dogs, being grounded, the color pink, not getting what I want, garlic, EDWARD CULLEN (basically, I hate all vegetarians) and other nosy motherfuckers. (Why am I swearing so much, you ask? Well I got this amazing dictionary with American slang from an internet pal named "em_vs_irritablegrizzly".)

Oh yeah, and I'm a vampire. And I am totally awesome. Don't mess with me. Unless you want to BURN!


	2. Jane's Blog Entry 1

_**Jane is having fun….**_

The internet is a very convenient thing. I just figured out. You can write blogs, spread viruses and blackmail others. I really like it. Who am I kidding? I LOVE IT!

So, yesterday was my and Alec's birthday. At least Alec said it was. Our five-hundred-eighty-something birthday. Blah! I don't want to know. I don't want to be old! I ended up breaking the windows in my room when Alec reminded me. It looked kind of cool, all the glass flying around, the noise… Heidi and Felix (yes, big, bulky Felix!) outside flinching at my sudden outburst… Hah, they fear me! Little, disgusting worms, feel my wrath! Oh well, but I digress…

After the little incident with the window Aro called me to his study. He's usually the only one that is not impressed by my fits. – (big mistake Aro, BIG mistake) – but, back to the topic: he said he had a surprise for me.

My master was sitting behind his ancient mahogany desk, engrossed in a huge volume with a red cover. When I entered, he looked up. _"Ah, here comes my favorite!",_ he exclaimed, like I just made his day be showing up. Yes, Aro is always like this.

"_So Jane",_ he said, _"it's your birthday today."_ His voice was all sweet and that senile smile of his was plastered on his lips. Of course it was my birthday! Aro didn't need to tell me! I was waiting for him to continue, tapping my foot impatiently on the hard stone floor. Which gave me an idea…

He probably could tell that I wasn't pleased with him, so he continued before I could start to tap my name in his floor. _"I know we usually don't celebrate _(the last time we did there had been some causalities) _but I wanted to give you something nonetheless." _Ah, a present! I love presents!

"_I hope you will have fun with this, my child",_ Aro said and handed me a slim silver thing, still smiling. It was a laptop. The Volturi usually weren't interested in modern things that much, except Aro, who found it fascinating. He found everything fascinating!

"_U__m, thanks",_ I replied. This was actually nice. I would find a way to have some fun with this laptop-thing. Hell, I could throw it at someone if it proved to be useless in all other ways!

I left Aro's study dancing, eager to immerge into the mysteries of modern technology as soon as possible. _"Dinner is at four o'clock"_, Aro called after me.

Back in my room I started the laptop. I was getting frustrated when it took a long time to install so I hit the keyboard. Luckily, it was extra break-proof. Aro knew me well. The w-key went flying regardless.

When the thing (by now I'm actually calling it "great device of the evil genius and her ingenious master plan") was finally ready I clicked on a button called "Internet Explorer". Thus, I came in contact with all the great ideas and possibilities that the World Wide Web holds for me.

I figured out quickly how to work the internet. Then I found this interesting site, called Facebook. Basically, it is for silly humans who want to show their faces to the whole world. Sounded like fun to me! I created my own account, giving my name as "Jane Male" (I was snickering at my fake last name, it was very suitable indeed). Then I added some nice pictures of myself in a black hoodie that covered my face completely, I looked like Satan himself. Perfect! As my interests I listed knife throwing (something that I had gotten into lately, it really was quite relaxing), rats, voodoo, vampires (the irony, the irony), and "torturing others". My account looked really nice. I would friend myself any time.

Next, I had a look at the program Photoshop. I had to confess, Felix looked really nice in a pink tutu… I had to remember to show this to Alec. I was giggling. Oh, this was so much fun! All the new options…! I got bored after a while, though, and decided to do something else.

Hmm, what next? I mused. I clicked on the internet button again and searched for some software. I found what I looked for, at a page called "hackware". This was great! I read the instructions, even though it was about two hundred pages, it didn't take me long due to my super vampire reading powers. With that information I would be able to program a satisfactory virus all by myself. My day just kept getting better and better!

By four o'clock in the afternoon I had created a nice virus that could do irreparable damage to any hard disk and named it "Wrath of Evil". Then I headed out for dinner.

I came back fully sated and took a seat again on the floor, laptop in hands. I had wanted to send my nice virus to someone but then it occurred to me that neither Felix nor Heidi, alas not even one of the Volturi guard had their own computer. Aro had more than one, but honestly, I didn't want to anger him. "Never bite that hand that feeds you" as the saying goes. So, at whom was I to direct "Wrath of Evil" then? It wasn't nearly as much fun when you didn't know the people you were hurting.

I was thinking hard, eyes pressed closed tightly. And then, inspiration struck me.

With an evil grin, I logged in on my Facebook account. There were already two friending requests, one from a guy from Finland with dozens of piercings, the other from some American satanist. I accepted both. Then I used the function "search friend".

"Edward Cullen", I typed in and then burst into a fit of manic laughter that echoed from the massive stonewalls of Volterra. MWHAHAHAHA!


	3. Jane's Blog Entry 2

_**Movie night in Volterra.**_

Turns out Alec got a DVD system for our birthday. Honestly, what is it with Aro and all this technology stuff lately? Did he get into business with Microsoft? Rob a computer shop? Nah, that doesn't sound like Aro. Maybe like me, but not like my master. He was more into… gladiator fights and plotting coups, I guess. He was born almost three thousand years ago! He didn't seem like the person to take part in that modern fancy technology shit. Well, unless there was some profit for him. Maybe he had some weird business going on with some director of a company, investment money in return for tasty computer nerds…

As I said, I have no idea. But I'm not complaining! Technology is fun! And it can be used in all the wrong, evil ways.

Alec seemed to be intrigued by technology too. He hardly ever goes emotional, usually that is my job. Yes, yes, I sometimes overreact, so what? It isn't my fault! Alec, in the contrary, is kind of lame. Lethargic. Looks like he got a too high dose of his own power, hehe. But I still love my brother. Just imagine if there were two of us with my temper. Poor Aro.

First, Alec didn't want to show me his HD flat screen, though. But when he saw the twinkle in my ruby eyes, he quickly took a step back. Not that I could hurt him with my power, but I had beaten him up often enough with my fists to show him who was more awesome out of the two of us.

We decided to watch one of the over hundred DVDs he had gotten with the system.

The first movie we picked out had a crazy looking woman on the cover. It was funny. Until they burned the evil witch. At the stake. What the hell? This was NOT funny! Who did Aro think he was? Was he making fun of me, Jane?! I did absolutely NOT approve of this kind of joke! I was very close to running to Aro's study and ripping his stupid head off. Alec had to calm me down.

I enjoyed watching movies, though. It was a surprisingly absorbing human past time. Who knew that these annoying creatures could come up with something good else than blood? The only difference was, Alec and I didn't have that electro-executed vegetable humans ate while watching movies. Alec had told me about this. Not that I was missing it. But maybe Alec could fetch some nice blood shakes… _"Absolutely not",_ he said, guessing my thoughts exactly. I sulked.

Our next pick was about some ugly kid with a stick. He believed himself to be a wizard. Pshhhh. It was still a good movie, in some way. They had a nice villain and another guy with a wooden leg and disgusting eye. I somehow wanted to poke it throughout the entire movie. When a boy looking way too much like that bastard Edward Cullen came into view I screeched. Alec had to stop me from breaking the TV and killing Cullen. _"Jane",_ he chuckled, _"it's just a MOVIE, calm down!"_ Oh well…. but it had looked so real…

I enjoyed the final scene SO much. Edward died! HAHAHAHA! That made my day. I decided to watch that particular scene every time I needed something to cheer up.

It was already getting dark outside. Alec grabbed another movie. It turned out to be a children's movie. Aro was now seriously in trouble!

We watched it, nonetheless. It was about twins, always playing pranks on their mean stepmother. Alec and I had the same idea at the same time. I swear, we have this freaky twin connection sometimes! We just looked at each other and I felt my lips twist into an evil smile.

We made our plan. First, Alec wrote a list of people we had always wanted to take revenge on. Heidi, Felix and Demetri made our list. Aro and Caius too. I also added the Cullens, Renata, Afton, that girl that didn't get out of my way last June, … _"Um, Jane…",_ Alec interrupted me, _"you do realize that you will need a new paper soon, right?"_ I scowled at him but put the pen down. We always had later…

We decided our first victim would be Heidi. Because we both hated how arrogant she could be sometimes. Like she was something better! And because she always wore pink. _"What kind of explanation is this, Jane?"_, my brother asked me, when I told him about my last reason. I told him quite frankly that pink is for little girls or desperate women who want to look like twelve again. Well, actually this didn't explain why even some men wear pink shirts, but still….

Our plan was easy enough. Since Heidi's most precious object was her long, shiny mahogany hair and since vampires don't usually grow hair back (I know what I'm talking about, I'm wearing this asymmetric haircut since the priest cut my hair before burning me way back in the Middle Ages) we knew what we had to do. (Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe there is a vampire out there with a "growing-hair-back-talent", but I doubt it.) Anyway, we knew that it would be difficult to cut the hair right off Heidi's head. So we took the next best thing: permanent coloring! Alec and I had a little fight about what color it should be, but we decided on blue in the end. There had to be a store in the Volterra area that sold blue hair color.

There was only one small problem: permanent observation. There was really no way getting out of the Volturi Palazzo without being seen. At least one of the other guards was always walking around in the hallways because they had nothing better to do. And going out at night would be suspicious and being suspicious meant a long talk with Aro.

I managed to sneak out of the narrow window of Alec's room. He had argued that I was the shorter and skinnier out of the two of us. It was still difficult. He literally had to push me through the window. (Yes, breaking trough the wall would have been an option, but not the right way to avoid unwelcome attention.) Thus, I was the one sent out to fetch the hair color (and facing Aro, in case I got caught).

I felt like a professional spy running over the roofs of Volterra. I even pulled up the hood of my black sweater, just for the fun of it. It was really nice, being outside with no one to watch you. Maybe I should do this more often.

It took me no more than fifteen minutes to find what I was looking for. The hair salon was located near the city wall and closed, naturally. This didn't matter to me, I wasn't planning to buy anything anyway. The wooden door was easy enough to open.

I was back through Alec's window again in no time.


	4. Jane's Blog Entry 3

_**I know my English is kind of bad…. But I'm working on it!**_

I was playing Darts with Felix when a high pitched, ear piercing scream was heard from the direction Heidi's room was located. Felix' arrow went to the wrong direction, crumbling at the stone wall. I only smirked. It took Heidi exactly fifteen seconds to storm trough the door. She was standing there, fuming, her long, silky hair an unmistakably bluish shade. She really did look hilarious.

Felix exploded with uncontrolled laughter, he was basically rolling on the floor. If looks could kill…. Heidi would definitely have rivaled me at that moment. "Jane, Alec, I know it was you!", she yelled, "you worthless, vile little creatures!"

"Blue looks nice on you", was all Alec said. His face was void of all emotion, unlike me, who had to press my hand to my mouth to stop the giggles from escaping. Heidi's head whirled in the direction of my brother and then she did something she shouldn't have. She lungeded at him. How dare she?!

By the time Caius and Demetri came, I was the only one left standing. Felix was still laughing his head off, Alec was lying on the floor from when Heidi had tackled him and Heidi herself was writhing in pain. That's what you get when you attack my brother!

"What's going on here?", Demetri boomed. Then he saw Heidi and his jaw dropped. Caius looked angry. "Aro will not be pleased when he hears about this", was all he said, pointing with his skinny claw-like fingers aimlessly in the air.

Yes, that was my morning.

In the afternoon, I studied. (Yes, I do things other than annoying Heidi.) I enjoyed learning what I had missed out on during my human years. It was just that I got bored quickly. Alec was a lot more disciplined than me. I had never been one for normal school knowledge. So, to fill the long boring hours spent inside grey stonewalls, I occupied my mind with new challenges. There had been a time I had been interested in flying experiments. But that was before the times of regular air travel. At the moment I'm teaching myself Phoenician. Not that I could actually use it. It is just… another challenge, I guess.

Aro helps me sometimes. I really like studying with him. He speaks Phoenician fluently, of course. But he still isn't a show-off (at least not all the time). The thing with Aro is that he's a really good teacher and excellent company, when he wants to. We also have a lot in common, I think. Crazy evilness and greed for power, for example. I suppose that is one of the main reasons why I'm still in Volterra. Getting regular meals and power is nice, but I think I would be long gone if it weren't for the fact that I like Aro. Sporadic annoyance and fatherly lectures aside.

I mean, I could found my own empire with Alec, right? Maybe Felix would help with the dirty work. Seriously, emo Marcus and bitchy Caius alone would ruin the infamous Volturi empire in no time. It's Aro who keeps the "family" together. He is the "godfather", to put it in the language of one of Alec's DVDs. And yeah, he just knows us all too well. He knows exactly that I enjoy being a Volturi, being part of a family, way too much to start a revolution.

So, to be honest, when I opened my notebook for Phoenician, I missed Aro. He was on a "business trip" somewhere in Eastern Europe. Some old friend of his that had behaved a little too suspiciously for Aro's liking. No need for me to come along, even if I longed to leave boring Volterra. Yeah, annoying little Jane isn't needed. Whatever.

I studied for maybe two hours, but I couldn't really concentrate. Well, of course I could, I'm a vampire, but my mind was elsewhere. Finally I closed my book, irritated. What should I do? I needed a different activity.

Comfort food? Nooooo…. the next tourist group wasn't due until Monday. And going out wasn't a good idea. I knew Demetri was watching me and Alec even more carefully after this morning. Like we needed a babysitter!

Playing another prank? I didn't think that would be a good idea, after all I didn't want Aro to be too mad at me when he came back. A little irritated, yes. He was always funny when he tried to be angry. In moments like that he reminded me of an overdramatic bird with his pointy nose wrinkled. Did I already mention I missed my master? Things were just funnier with him around.

After some more debating with myself, I decided, that the Internet would give me the distraction I needed. I remembered that I had stumbled over a site called eBay the other day and I opened it again. Hmmm, I could sell something…. Or, even better, buy! I ran to my desk to get the shiny black credit card Aro had given me. On the official documents that came with the card it said I had turned eighteen this summer. I also had had a passport once that had Caius listed as my grandfather and legal guardian. Duh.

I was extraordinary generous while shopping on eBay. A dozen of CDs for myself, a make-your-own- doll kit, also for myself, a nice red dress (yes, for Jane too) and a shirt for Alec. "Night of the Living Dead", it read on the front. I even bought myself a silver necklace and felt extra girly for doing so. I was smiling wide by now. Being a shopaholic was fun!

Well, since I already started, why not doing the whole program? I ended up buying something for every member of the entire Volturi guard. A book with jokes for Felix so that he could come up with new ones. A set of smiley stickers for Marcus. A medieval armor for Renata. Chelsea got a book called "Psychology for Dummies". Hedi a set of contact lenses in all colors. There was even a design that had a target on it. And for Aro I found a shirt with the slogan "Bite Me".

36,355.90 Euro, the bill read when I was finished. Oh well, never mind!


	5. Jane's Blog Entry 4

_**An update! I really have tons of stuff to do at the moment, but writing this is more like recreation time anyway.**_

**Operation "MAKE CAIUS SMILE"**

**(I saw this awesome fan art somewhere where Jane forces Caius to smile. Of course that gave me ideas!)**

**Even Jane likes reviews!**

---

The next morning I started with cleaning out my wardrobe. It was a dull thing to do. I found ten spiders, two mice and eight dark grey cloaks in there. And I don't even like grey! It makes me look pale.

Then I had actually planned to google some people I had "issues" with, but the internet was broken. The main power station had been struck by lightening during the night or something. Well, that was inconvenient.

And Felix who usually kept me entertained with his jokes was doing…. other things. You really don't want to know. Trust me.

So all I could do was sitting on the sill of my window and watching the pigeons feed in the backyard. Those little creatures were quite talented at picking pieces of bread up and then dropping it again.

I was bored. Bored, annoiata, gelangweilt, ennuyée, aburrida, …. I said the word aloud in every language I knew. Bored to death. If I weren't already dead, that is. Bored, bored, bored. When you said the word over and over again really fast it sounded like a song. Kind of.

Alec came in when I was singing the "bored-song" on top of my lungs. He was wise enough to not say anything.

It was really annoying to live in Volterra sometimes. Everyone was watching you. Playing a prank on the inferior humans on the big Piazza? Not a chance! It would result in some kind of awful punishment. After all, Caius was still in charge. And he can sometimes be more sadistic than me, which means something.

"I see you're bored too," Alec said to me, "or rather, I heard." He grinned at me boldly. I can tell you, he is just jealous of my singing voice! I stuck out my tongue at him.

But I had to admit that I was bored. "There's just nothing to do here," I complained, "everything fun is not allowed! Because," I imitated Caius' voice flawlessly, "humans could start to notice." Like I would be that careless! Well, actually there had been one incident, involving a Dracula costume and a couple of really frightened humans…. But I digress.

Alec grinned at me again. Crookedly, this time. "Are you sure?" The tone of his voice made it obvious that he had something particular in mind.

And when Alec once has an idea it's usually good. He can come up with the craziest, most random pranks. Hell, he's my twin brother after all! "Spill it." Now I was grinning widely too.

"What do I get in exchange for telling you?" Ah, he was a clever little bastard! Wait, that would mean I'm a bastard too, right? Gah, never mind!

"Don't push me," I warned him. He considered that for a moment.

Then he came over to sit next to me on my narrow bed I never used anyway. He sat cross-legged and I did the same, mimicking his position. "What about a prank challenge?" he finally suggested and his face, normally a mask of apathy, lit up.

Prank. Challenge. Two of my favorite things ever. Of course I was in on the challenge immediately. "Deal," I said. And suddenly my previous boredom was all but forgotten.

"So what are the rules?" I asked Alec curiously, is anyone supposed to die?" Alec just rolled his eyes. He does that a lot lately. I think he should get them checked.

"No, we're not allowed to kill anyone Jane," he replied, "but it will be fun nonetheless. It's really quite simple: Both of us are supposed to play a prank on someone. And the one with the more random, devastating and hilarious prank will win. Got it?"

I nodded. This would be something to remember, I already could tell. "Let's get started then," I cried happily, "what are you waiting for?"

Alec only smiled. "Ah but Jane, there is another condition. I will tell you what kind of prank you have to play. And after that, you will challenge me."

"Fine," I agreed, "but you'll go first." Just because he was like ten minutes older than me he always had to be first? He only wishes! My brain was already sorting through all the possibilities. And then I had another inspiration of genius yet again. Alec would be so going down!

"Make Caius smile," I challenged him. THAT was going to be a thing of impossibility. But my brother knew if he didn't agree I would call him a chicken for all eternity.

"Fine," Alec said and he sounded grumpy. My smile was triumphant. It was going to be fun to see him try!

My brother just glared at me. "I will," he announced and then he stood up and left my room to go and think about some plan to come up with.

And that's how operation "make Caius smile" started.


	6. Jane's Blog Entry 5

_**Operation "MAKE CAIUS SMILE" part II**_

---

It was really ridiculous to see Alec trying to make Caius smile. He was making a complete fool of himself. But that made it only so much more fun to watch.

"_Caius, look, I'm Spiderman!"_ And then my dear brother seriously climbed up the rough stone wall under the ceiling. I had to cover my mouth to not burst out laughing at the sight. Marcus looked bored, Aro very amused and Caius dumbfounded. Other than that, the only expression on his face was the everlasting scowl. Ha, I bet he doesn't even know who Spiderman is!

After that, Alec was angry. And embarrassed. It took him a while to come up with a new plan.

I was reading a book while Alec paced up and down in my room. He looked like Aro in the process of plotting one of his most wicked evil master plans. Walking back and forth, wearing a path into the stone floor. He even had that funny frown on his forehead. I looked up from time to time, not able to hide my grin completely from his view.

He suddenly turned around when I was just about to turn another page and walked up to me. _"Jane, some help!"_ he was practically begging, _"I really don't know how to do this!"_

I shook my head. And it was a good feeling, I can tell you! "_Nope, my dear brother. You started this. And you will also have to end it, "_ I quoted a movie we had just recently seen together. He glared at me.

"_Fine,"_ he grumbled, _"I don't need your help!"_ And with that he left. I turned back to reading.

I later heard from Felix that he tried to make Caius smile by throwing bananas at him, amongst other things. The only thing he got from Caius was a smack on the head. In normal situations, everyone who dares even just mentioning hurting my brother is going to have a huge problem with me. But I didn't blame Caius this time. Getting bananas thrown at you is almost always irritating, if not awkward.

Awkward and slightly disturbing.

Felix agreed with me. I had told him about mine and Alec's little bet and he had wanted to join in immediately. Sometimes I wonder why Aro always seems to pick the biggest kids for his guard. Oh, right! Because he is the biggest child of them all deep down, hehe!

Sometimes I feel sorry for Sulpicia.

But back to the actual topic: Alec tried and tried but failed. He was growing more and more frustrated.

Telling jokes didn't work.

Playing the jester didn't either.

He even tried torturing others in front of Caius. But I don't know for sure if my brother just did that to find an outlet for his own frustration.

The everlasting scowl stayed in its place. Right on Caius' face.

By the middle of the week I had lost count of how many times Alec had tried. And failed. But he wasn't giving up yet. He is stubborn. It must be something running in the family.

When we were about eight years old, we used to have those staring contests. The ones where you have to look each other in the eyes directly. The first person to laugh or blink is the looser. Our mother usually had to come and get us because we had still not been finished by dinner time.

Of course, nowadays we don't do such childish things anymore. At least not very often.

Thursday evening we had a meeting in the tower room. Aro just wanted to inform us that there would be a visit from another coven soon. And he didn't trust them fully. He just told us to be a bit more carefully during that time. Not that anyone could pose a serious threat to the Volturi. But just to be save.

"_What's Alec up to lately?"_ Chelsea wondered, _"he is behaving so strange lately."_ She eyed me, a puzzled expression on her face. _"Oh, that's a long story,"_ I started, _"it all began in the promising summer of 1403…-"_

But before I could finish my sentence, Alec walked in. He looked self-confident. And like he had had another brilliant idea. I was preparing for the worst.

He walked in front of Aro, Marcus and Caius and then, with super-human speed, he produced a small glass flask with a sickly purple brew in it. He threw.

He had actually aimed at Demetri, who was standing behind Aro and it would have worked, if Aro had not moved in the way exactly the moment the tiny bottle left Alec's hand. It smashed against Aro's granite cheek and burst into a thousand splinters. The smell was awful.

The silence was complete.

And then Caius burst into a fit of laughter. He sounded like a maniac, but the snorting sounds coming from his mouth was unmistakably laughter.

I think that shocked us even more than the fact that Aro did not kill Alec right there. Hearing Caius laugh apparently had him baffled too.

Apparently Caius enjoys nothing more than seeing Aro covered in stinky slime.

Who knew? Not me!

Alec walked over to where I was standing and his huge grin was smug. _"You. Make Demetri loose his mind. I dare you."_

---

_**I'm not too sure what I should think about this…. the next one will be better, I promise!**_


	7. Jane's Blog Entry 6

_**Operation "MAKE DEMETRI L**__**OSE HIS MIND"**_

_**I'm writing on three different multi-chapter fics with Jane as a main character at the moment. And she has a totally different character in each of them. "Creepy baby Jane", "lovesick angst queen Jane" and "evil blogger Jane". So if I write her as a blogging lovesick baby accidentally, my sincerest apologies! ;)**_

---

I had a serious problem. I had to make Demetri lose his mind.

Aro would not be pleased if he knew about my mission. After all, Demetri was his own personal GPS. (That stands for Global Positioning System, in case you're not as smart as me. I sometimes use it to locate the pigeons that come to sit on my windowsill.)

But what else could I do than accept Alec's challenge? Capitulate and let him tease me about it for the rest of eternity? No thanks! I'd rather have Aro angry with me for centuries than let my brother win. After all, there are always those weird psychiatrists for the nut cases. I'm sure Demetri would find help somewhere.

I would even send him a "Get Well" card! One with peanuts on it.

But before I could think about the kind of card I would get him, I had to drive him crazy first.

My research on the internet taught me that there were countless ways how to make one loose their mind. Not even an evil genius like me could have come up with all the ideas and possibilities.

"Hearing voices", was one of the most reported sign for madness. That had me laughing. Maybe I should commit Aro and that Cullen bastard to an asylum then?

Meh, I could always play that prank when I was finished with my current mission!

Demetri wasn't behaving strangely either. At least not more than usual. But maybe I could change that.

I had to make Demetri do weird things. I had to make him believe he was actually going crazy. Alec wouldn't let me win before that, I knew.

Oh geez, this was going to be difficult!

I was standing by my window, watching the pigeons yet again. They were quite cute, I had to admit. And, at least during my human years, they were known for spreading a lot of diseases.

I was thinking hard, my eyes fixed on the little olive tree on one of the brick-red roofs. It was part of a tiny but inviting terrace garden.

Making Demetri lose his mind. Demetri practically consists of mind, and nothing else. He is such a killjoy sometimes, always thinking strategically and plotting his boring plans.

Though he is useful from time to time. Whenever you feel like you want something, you can send Demetri to fetch it.

There had been a time when Alec and I wondered whether the king of France was wearing a moustache or not. We bugged Demetri about it until he was completely pissed and went and brought him to us. He had a moustache, for the record. And it had looked extremely ugly.

Ah, good memories!

And then it occurred to me.

Nothing made Demetri more stressed than having to track a person that was difficult to find. And he would totally freak out if a person was impossible to find!

I was grinning wickedly now. The pigeons looked scared.

And when is a person impossible to find? I will tell you: When said person doesn't even exist in the first place!

I'm a genius!

I considered letting him track down Harry Potter, but that wasn't a good idea. Too dangerous. Alec would just have to show him the DVD and my precious plan would go to the dogs. No, I had to think of someone else.

Mickey Mouse? No, too childish!

It had to something that would really put him on edge. Nothing easy.

But Van Helsing sounded about right to me! I could tell him that the guy was a very dangerous scientist on the verge of revealing our identity to humankind. THAT would put him under pressure!

Oh, fun times ahead!

I took a piece of paper from my desk and started to write a short note. _Demetri, you need to find a man named Van Helsing. He is a grave danger to our world. If you do not find him, we are all doomed. Remember, this mission is top secret! Do not talk about it with anyone. _I signed in Aro's bold handwriting.

I put the note in an envelope and sealed it. And when I was on my night patrol, I inconspiciously slipped it under Demetri's door.

Demetri, say goodbye to your marbles! MWHAHAHAHA!

---

_**Reviews make my day!**_

_**Also, I'm always happy about suggestions for what Jane could do next.**_


	8. Jane's Blog Entry 7

_**Operation "MAKE DEMETRI L**__**OSE HIS MIND" Part II**_

_**Oh dear. I've uploaded the last chapter of "The Diary of Jane" to my other fic "Bittersweet" by mistake. Pretty hilarious, if you think about it. First Jane **__**is crying her eyes out (figuratively) and then she plays a prank on Demetri all of a sudden. Hilarious, but embarrassing nonetheless. I just hope something like this never happens again! If it does, please tell me.**_

---

I watched as Demetri grew more and more uneasy with every day. He was jumpy like a scared little human boy. And it made me smile.

"What's up Demetri?" I approached him. I put a cold, reassuring hand on his broad shoulder and my burgundy eyes were like the ones of a puppy, huge, cute and filled with concern. Have I mentioned that I considered an acting career for quite some time?

"Nothing Jane, nothing," Demetri lied. And he, on the contrary, was a horrible actor. He pressed his lips together in a tight line and was staring into space, trying to track down the mysterious Van Helsing, I guessed.

Good luck with that, Demetri!

Demetri gave me an odd look and I quickly stopped snickering. Instead, I told him again he could talk about it with me whenever he wanted. He looked at me like I had lost my mind.

What?! Does it surprise you that much that I'm trying to be nice for one?

Oh, please, even Jane Volturi isn't a sadist 24/7!

I walked away, thinking about what I could do to shorten another long afternoon with nothing to do than sit around and wait for a hostile attack that never came anyway. I mean, who is stupid enough to attack over thirty well trained, extraordinary talented vampires? We're the crème de la crème of the vampire world!

Being a member of the Volturi makes me proud. And I also like to think I'm Aro's favorite. Well, I have to share that status with Alec, but still.

Being the favorite is awesome. You always get to pick your snacks first.

I was walking around aimlessly for a while, but actually I was searching for someone to keep me company. And sure enough, my feet led me to my brother's room.

Alec was playing video games with Felix.

The morale is sinking fast in Volterra, I can tell you!

"How's our bet going?" Alec asked me and looked up at me with a smug smile. His blood red eyes were gleaming. Felix used his chance to slaughter Alec's character on screen.

"Not too bad," I smirked, "and by the way, you're dead."

Alec looked at me dumbfounded. He had put his controller down.

"I mean dead dead, you moron," I rolled my eyes at him. He still didn't get it. I'm ashamed for my family sometimes. "In the game, duh," I dumbed it down for him, "Felix just butchered you."

"Felix, you stupid bast-," he started yelling, but I cut him off.

"Does anyone of you want to play that game with me?" I asked. I really was in desperate need of entertainment.

They both looked at each other doubtfully. "Um, Jane, I'm not sure if that's a god idea…." Alec looked at me apologetically. Okay, I got it. I'm not a very good looser, I admit. But I hadn't broken anything in over a week! They were being unfair!

I snorted and clenched my fists.

"Fine Jane," Alec sighed, and Felix handed me his controller quickly. He was out the door in no time.

"Let's get this game started," I cheered. Alec wasn't as enthusiastic.

I decided to play a ridiculous looking troll with two pretty blue blades. He was huge and ugly and reminded me of an overweight werewolf. He was even furry. Alec chose the elf princess.

I was kicking his butt, of course.

He took it like a man. Or should I say: like an elf princess? Hehe.

We slaughtered and murdered and dismembered little gnomes until Santiago stuck his head through the door.

"I don't want to disturb you doing important things. But have you guy's seen Demetri?" he asked in his still audible Spanish accent.

---

_**Part III will follow.**_

_**Your reviews make me happy! :)**_


	9. Jane's Blog Entry 8

_**Operation "MAKE DEMETRI L**__**OSE HIS MIND" Part III**_

_**I know, it has been a while….**_

_**This is short, but I needed to split part III up (**__**I promise, it will not go on like this forever). The chapter was just getting too long and the two parts didn't really fit together. So you will get part IV later.**_

---

Demetri didn't show up at dinner either that night. And no one had seen where he had gone. He had just disappeared.

Like a phantom in the night. That sounds kind of appropriate.

And my brother was not stupid. _"Jane, is it possible that you have something do with this?"_ he asked, eying me suspiciously. I think my wicked grin was answer enough.

Alec sighed. _"You know you will get into massive trouble for this,"_ he reminded me. He was playing the big brother yet again.

Of course I know I would get into trouble! But then again, Alec would too for sure. I told him so.

He sighed again and opened his mouth to say something, but then he changed his mind and just shut it again. Wise of him. Because I know what kind of books he hides under his bed.

I'm still laughing when I think back to the epic day when I found them carefully wrapped up in an inconspicuous piece of dark cloth, hidden in the farthest corner. Ah, he should have known me well enough to know I would find them sooner or later!

Silly, amusing brother!

Alec left for his room with another sigh. I didn't know what he was up to, reading, most likely.

Bwhahahaha!

Santiago lingered with me in the tower room. But I didn't like talking to him much. He had been a monk once. And, for obvious reasons, I have my issues with those church guys. Even if they are only former ones. Bad, bad memories. That's all I will say on that topic.

The tall, self-confident Chelsea was standing next to her mate Afton.

I went to my room. I didn't feel like hanging around with either humor-free Santiago or gooey-eyed Chelsea and Afton.

Gah, I hate couples! They always kiss and are abnormally happy. If I were Chelsea, I wouldn't want Afton's venom shoved down my throat.

And… I don't even want to go into that!

No, thanks!

In my room, I read a Jane Austen novel. I really love her writing. Maybe it's because we share the same name.

No need to be unnecessarily modest, right?

But that's not the main point here. As I said, she wrote beautiful stories, in my opinion. Drama, angst and romance. Ah….

Wait…. What did I say just a minute ago?

I hate romance?

Okay, okay. I actually like love stories. I guess even Jane Volturi can be a little girl on the inside from time to time….

Deal with it.

But no, I don't have a teddy bear. That would be simply childish!

---

_**Review! :)**_

_**I'll try to think of **__**new pranks for Jane to come up with in the meantime.**_


	10. Jane's Blog Entry 9

_**Operation "MAKE DEMETRI L**__**OSE HIS MIND" Part IV**_

_**Note to self: Never again listen to both Mindless Self Indulgence and Lily Allen while writing "The Diary of Jane"….**_

---

I was watching the sun irradiating her light on the tiny humans on the Piazza dei Priori when Aro called me in his study. I didn't want to stop observing the funny creatures just yet, but Heidi said Aro sounded rather angry so I decided it would be best to obey.

What had I done this time?

The worm rearing on the balcony? The wall art on the second floor?

I knew immediately when I entered my master's study and saw the picture of misery lying in the corner, wrapped in a dirty, dark grey cloak.

Oh crap!

I had totally forgotten about Demetri!

And the bundle in the corner next to the huge bookshelf looked a lot like Demetri.

His shoulder-length hair was disheveled with lumps of clay tried in. His cloak was tattered and filthy. And his pale olive face was like the one of a crazy man.

Could it be…?

"_Jane,"_ Aro scolded me, _"you know you own me an explanation for this."_ And he pointed accusingly towards Demetri with his long finger.

And Aro pointing at things with that particular furrow between his dark brows means trouble. And trouble with Aro is ten times worse than trouble with Caius.

Caius usually just yells at you or slaps you. Aro ignores you and gives you murderous glares. And for me, that's so much worse. It's just a guilt trip, I know. But even Jane Volturi has something like a conscience.

"_Jane,"_ Aro grew impatient, _"I know you well enough to know you have something to do with this."_ And he held up the note I had written and glared at me.

Here we go with the guilt trip.

Once, Caius had refused to select new bodyguards for the wives. He said they could keep the old ones. But Aro didn't trust them or something. And after weeks of being glared at and annoyed by non-stop pleading even unmovable Caius gave in.

Aro knows how to get what he wants.

"_Jane,"_ Aro spoke again, "_I know that you wrote this note."_ Demtri groaned in his corner.

He really looked like he had lost it.

I put the most angelic, innocent expression I had on my cute face, but apparently it didn't work.

Aro floated over to where I was standing and grabbed my hand. I kept my eyes on my feet. I was kind of ashamed. Stupid bet!

Aro didn't say anything. There might have been the hint of a grin on his chalky lips, but as soon as I looked up it was gone. I waited for the lecture.

"_Van Helsing?"_ my master crooked a brow at me, _"that wasn't very original of you, my dear."_

What? Did he expect me to send Demetri after Godzilla? Psh!

"_That could have been a little more interesting, yes,"_ Aro said. Oh, he was still holding my hand, I had completely forgotten about that.

_Always holding other people's hand makes you look a little like a creep, master, _I put the thought in my head. He dropped my hand then, but gave me a warning, "don't-get-cheeky" look.

"_I want you to apologize to Demetri for your childish behavior,"_ his words were sharp, _"you're very lucky he is only momentarily lunatic due to the shock and lack of self-confidence."_

With that, he left me and the miserable Demetri. I watched his tall frame with the long, black hair and cloak disappear around the corner.

Well, at least I had won the challenge!

---

_**Short again, I know. **__**And badly edited. But I have tons of stuff to do at the moment, so please bear with me. Shorter chapters just mean more chapters, in a way.**_

_**And I just realized I've written the "Aro reads Jane's thoughts, Jane looks at her feet ashamed" concept before. Creeeeeepy…. **_


	11. Jane's Blog Entry 10

_**You know those tests where you can test anything from your degree **__**of evilness to your inner blood type? Of course Jane would stumble across one of them sooner or later!**_

_**Also, in my writing, I like to poke fun at things, especially at myself. A cookie for everyone who gets the joke in this chapter! ;)**_

---

Surfing the internet has become one of my favorite past times.

Whenever I'm not needed with the guard, I sit in my room with my computer. Alec calls it antisocial, I call it eagerness for knowledge. There is just so much to learn!

I know, I sound like master Aro!

But playing with sticks and dolls back in the Middle Ages wasn't half as much fun as spamming communities and reading about people's darkest secrets.

Who knew humans could be so vile and evil?

Surprisingly, even Alec started to see the fun of it. He always begged me to be allowed to use my computer for silly internet games.

Or for something else.

He always deleted his history, so there was no way for me to confirm my suspicions.

And this morning Alec was using my computer yet again, while I was on my patrol. I was scheduled to check every corner of the spacious Volturi castle for possible enemies and dangers together with Felix. And we found nothing, as usual.

"_Jane,"_ he called when I came back in my room, _"get over here." _He had a rather amused expression on his face, and we are speaking of my apathetic brother here! Of course that got me curious!

"_What__ are doing?"_ I eyed him suspiciously, while changing out of my boring grey cloak and into a fluffy sweater.

But he only laughed. _"Would you like to do a highly reputable psychology test_?" he asked.

What was that mischievous grin supposed to mean?

"_Okaaay,"_ I sighed, rolling my eyes at him, _"what does the test want to know?"_

Alec's grin got wider. _"First, give me the names of five people you like," _he said, _"they need to be male, by the way."_ He waited for my answer.

What kind of test was this? But then again, Alec had always been a little weird, so I shouldn't have been wondering.

"_Ummm…,"_ I was musing, _"Felix, Aro, Marcus, Corin and you."_

Alec snickered. What the fuck?!

"_Um, I'll take myself out and put in Demetri instead_," Alec explained quickly when he saw my annoyed expression, _"you'll see why later."_ And with that, he filled something on my laptop.

Next he wanted to know about my favorite cars, colors and numbers. This was just getting weirder and weirder! I don't even know about cars! Lame, I know. But what do you expect from a vampire girl who was born way back in the middle ages!

I'M NOT SAYING I'M LAME!!!! Just…. with cars.

So I just named the first five cars that came to my mind. _"What kind of test is this, Alec?"_ I asked. But he just kept on asking me questions_. "Places you'd like to be right now?"_

"_Rome, France, Brazil and Volterra of course," _was my answer, _"and Forks! Hell yes, I want to go to Forks and kill some vegetarians!"_

Alec laughed at my enthusiasm. "I'll add your favorite professions myself," he giggled, "you know, the things you always wanted to do when you grow up."

Let's put one thing straight here: Only Alec is allowed to make fun of my child-like appearance. ONLY ALEC!

Because he looks even more like a baby than me.

Sigh. Sometimes I really wish I were older! Wish I were tall and pretty and TAKEN SERIOUSLY! Gorgeous, lethal Heidi threatening others is just so much scarier than little, angel-faced Jane doing it. But then again, I've always got my talent to make them regret calling me a cute little girl for the rest of their short lives.

Alec brought me back down to earth. He was roaring with laughter in front of my laptop, almost falling off the chair. So much about being a graceful vampire.

"_What's so funny?!"_ I hissed at him. I don't like being laughed at. AT ALL.

It took him a while to compose himself enough to speak again. He put a very grave expression on his face. _"Jane, your future…,"_ he started. I waited for him to continue, tapping my foot impatiently.

"… _you will move to Forks, work as a professional video gamer, drive a blood-red Porsche and will be married to… Aro!"_ And with that, he dropped to the floor and screamed with laughter.

What the hell?!

I darted over to the laptop and had a look at the screen. Sure enough, Alec had filled a quiz on an internet page that was flooded with bright, colorful ads. And there I saw what Alec had just told me. A generator for silly human girls to find out about their true love and future dream job.

"_Jane and Aro, Jane and Aro!"_ Alec chanted from the floor.

Hell yeah, like I would ever have a crush on Aro! He is - what? - three thousand years old! And he has long hair, like a girl!

Ugh!

"_Jane has a crush on Aro!"_ Alec giggled. I picked him up from the floor by his hood and threw him at the wall. There were some cracks and a lot of dust.

Who on earth would ever get the stupid idea I would have a crush on my master?!

Note to self: Never again let your brother fill stupid internet tests for you!

---

_**Yes, those tests all actually exist.**_

_**Short **__**and badly edited again… but my computer time is up so…. :(**_


	12. Jane's Blog Entry 11

_**Yes, it's an update, finally!**__** I'm really sorry this took me so long, but I kind of hit writer's block with this story and didn't want to give you a crappy chapter. Luckily, while writing on my other fics I came up with a very interesting question: Who exactly told Jane and Alec about the birds and the bees? Aaaaand thus the idea for the next chapter was born. ;P**_

_**I changed the rating to T. Just to be sure that nobody is offended by Jane's swearing.**_

---

Alec started to regret his joke soon enough.

I spent the past few days searching the internet for stupid tests to embarrass him with. And I found a lot, I can tell you!

But even Felix gets bored with me telling him about my brothers supposed favorite food and sex life.

"_Jane, Alec doesn't have a sex life at all_," he told me, rolling his eyes in the Felix manner, _"everyone knows. You can't even insult him with that. You'll have to find something else to annoy him with and get back at him for the thing with Aro." _He put a hand over his mouth but I could still hear him snicker. Ugh! That wasn't even funny!

I was sulking after that, thinking and pondering, trying to come up with something. Embarrassing my brother couldn't be that difficult, could it?

But he was just so hard to unsettle.

Making Alec feel angry and embarrassed was almost as difficult as making Marcus happy. Or making Caius smile. But exactly that had turned out to be not impossible after all. Hmmm….

Asking Aro would be cheating….

But then again, since when does Jane Volturi care about morals?

What was the best way to embarrass your teenage brother? More like child brother, in Alec's case.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm…..

He wasn't bothered the slightest bit when you told him the Romanians were coming for us, with the exception of Felix' sex jokes, nothing made him feel uncomfortable and-

Hold on.

I must have looked like an evil genius, standing there in the hallway, the bright light bulb above my head almost visible. I was frozen on the spot, a huge grin on my face. Of course! How could I have not seen that earlier? It was almost too easy once you saw it!

There was one safe way to make Alec feel terribly uncomfortable!

"_Hey, Felix, wait a second,"_ I called after the bulky vampire who just happened to walk past me.

He turned around on his heels, his eyebrows slightly raised at my ecstatic smile. _"What?"_ he asked, not hiding his suspicion. He looked down at me and even though he is at least two heads taller than me and about three times my weight, he looked like he was a little afraid.

"_I need your help,"_ I told him.

"_And with what exactly?"_ he asked, his muscular arms crossed over his chest.

"_You know, I think Alec has some questions,"_ I tried my best to make my voice sound like I was just telling him a big secret, _"about certain… grown-up things."_ I smiled up at him angelically.

"… _grown-up things?"_ Felix obviously didn't get what I was talking about.

I rolled my eyes at him. _"Sex."_

"_Oh!"_ now Felix looked scared. _"You mean… you want me to talk with Alec about… sex?"_ he whispered.

I'm a genius, right? MWHAHAHA!

"_Yes,"_ I told Felix, my expression grave, _"I think it's really necessary."_

And that's how I bestowed the most awkward conversation ever upon my dear brother.

I couldn't resist eavesdropping on them when Felix went to Alec's room. It was downright hilarious, really! Especially because I could picture Alec's face all too well.

"_Alec…,"_ Felix started the conversation, _"I heard you have some questions…."_

Silence.

"… _about sex,"_ I heard Felix say.

I didn't hear anything for a while. I couldn't decide whether I should wait or just burst into the room to make Alec feel even more awkward.

Luckily, Felix did that for me. He started telling Alec about all the gory details and I must admit even I would have blushed in Alec's place. If vampires could blush, that is. But as things were, I just snickered quietly, pressing my ear closer to the wall.

Everything went perfectly like I had planned it. Until Alec asked Felix why he thought that he would be interested in knowing all those gross things.

"… _Jane told me you wanted to talk to me."_

Uh-oh….

"_JANE!"_ Alec yelled, _"I KNOW YOU ARE LISTENING!"_

Shit.

My twin just knew me too well! Why did Felix have to ruin everything?!

I think I tried to run. Maybe if I reached my room and pretended I had been reading innocently the whole time….

I could hear Alec slam his door behind him. I could hear his feet on the stone floor.

Uh-oh!

I ran around the corner and slided to an abrupt halt.

"_What is going on?"_ Aro's authoritative words couldn't hide his curiosity completely.

Alec tried to stop me, but I stretched out my hand for our master to read my thoughts. I was grinning wickedly.

He took my hand in his and closed his eyes. Alec groaned beside me, clenching his fists. _"Interesting,"_ Aro chuckled at last, _"but you know what? I'd prefer to have a yellow Porsche instead of the blood-red one."_

Alec burst out laughing.

---

_**Next **__**chapter will most likely be prank time with the Cullens.**_

_**Any other ideas?**_


	13. Jane's Blog Entry 12

_**One more week until school is finished. You know what that means? LOTS of time to write and update more often!**_

_**Anyway, I've been asked **__**when this fic is set on the Twilight timeline. Usually, I keep my fics vague and this one too could be set before or after Breaking Dawn (or even ignore Breaking Dawn completely HARHAR), but I'd say in order to build up some more tension between Jane and the Cullens, that I might use in later chapters, this fic is set about two years after Breaking Dawn. **_

---

The past few weeks were rather unpleasant, I can tell you.

First, it was very hot here in Italy and SUNNY. And sunny means we have to stay inside the castle walls the whole day and that can be very boring and dull.

Second (and more important), I got grounded. Not grounded as in "oh Jane, you have been such a bad child, now we will lock you up in your room and won't give you anything to eat", but punished as in "Jane, I am very disappointed in you and your behavior, you won't be allowed to use your computer until you have learned to behave like a respected member of the Volturi guard."

Mean, I know.

But at least I got punished by Aro who has heard of something like modern education and not by Caius, who would have smashed my computer to pieces and locked me up in the tower with the wives.

Just imagine: being locked up in a tower the whole day! I do SO not envy Athenodora and Sulpicia!

I mean, what do they even do to get those pretty dresses and jewelry?!

Alright, alright… I digress… You know what I did to have my precious computer taken away from me, right?

I'll start with day Aro called me in the tower room. It was a SUNNY day, almost four weeks ago, and everyone had gathered to listen. (Maybe because "Jane vs. the ancients" always promises some entertainment?)

Well anyway, here is what happened then:

"Jane", Aro spoke, "I am not pleased."

As a response I only smiled. The entire Volturi guard was watching us. To them it may have looked like an Inquisition, to me it was simple the peak of my plan. It was really amusing!

Aro now looked angry. Demetri, more or less sane again, smirked at me and I played with the thought of torturing him, just to get that smug smile off his face. No, there is no need for violence all the time Jane, I reminded myself. Instead, I just waited. Demetri's gaze went from me to Aro and then back again. Clearly, he had no idea what was going on.

"Now, my child", Aro continued, "you seem to have forgotten your good manners a bit lately."

Hell yeah, that was right! I was actually proud of it! But I didn't tell Aro. He was just too old to understand. 3,000 years, with no sense of humor. Or actually, when I think about it… he can be very childish at times, even more childish than me, but that is hardly the point here-

Heidi shot me a look, but quickly stepped back when I glared at her.

Aro was speaking again. "You know very well, that Carlisle Cullen is an old friend of mine." His voice was criticizing. "And I most definitely do not want you to shock my friend and his family almost to death."

I couldn't stop the giggle escaping my lips. "But, master, aren't they already dead?" I pointed out. Aro just rolled his eyes. Clearly, he wasn't in the mood.

"I also know that you seem to have your… - he was searching for the right word – differences with that son of his, Edward."

I nodded enthusiastically. That was damn right! That nosy boy was getting on my nerves since I had met him the first time. What did he think he was?

Blah!

And he had an awful head of hair. Red, for crying out loud! I hated redheads since that stupid redhead neighbor of mine called on me and Alec back in 1417!

Fucking redheads!

Aro was calling my attention again. "But this doesn't allow you to do such childish things, Jane", he reminded me. "Carlisle told me poor Edward almost died of a heart attack – if this were possible", he added, "when you sent him an email with the text "Dear Eddie, I thought you might want to know that your dear Bella is planning to leave you for Felix. Best regards your lovely friend Jane". Besides, that wasn't even very creative."

I heard Alec behind me snicker, before he quickly composed himself again. He didn't like Edward or Bella (or any of the Cullens for that matter) either and found this just as amusing.

Felix, on the other hand, looked horrified.

"Oh, calm down," I rolled my eyes at him, "it isn't like he believed me for more than a second anyway."

Alec snickered harder.

"You have to show me how to use that email-thing," my brother whispered to me, "it sounds like a lot of fun."

"She won't," Aro interrupted him and then looked at me. "Jane," he said, his voice ridiculously grave, "you won't be allowed to use your computer for a month."

I clenched my fists. How… how did he expect me to not update my Facebook profile for a whole month?! And what about-

He interrupted my panicked thoughts by putting a papery hand on my slender shoulder. "Don't look at me like that, my dear," he sighed and I tried hard to make my ruby eyes look even bigger and sadder, "it is only for the best of you."

I raised an eyebrow at him. _Master, you are ruining my cyber-social status!_

Aro only chuckled.

---

**Okay, so I'm kind of falling asleep right now… so bear with my mistakes. And again, if I poke fun at something, chances are high that it actually applies to me. ;P**

**Reviews are lovely things!**


End file.
